Where we left off

Growing up, I had a detailed analysis sessions that i would carry out on my behaviour in order to develop or remove certain traits. I would usually assess my actions at the end of the day and see if there was anything I should have done better, anything that I felt I should have avoided and then I would consider other people’s actions and words and assess their impact on me and what I would like to incorporate or delete from my personality, having experienced it from the receiving end.

I was very serious about self improvement, and my assessment was mainly in terms of what is a good or bad behaviour rather than anything else. My rationale, back then, was that if I was good then God would grant me all my wishes. That my goals and dreams would be in the right track.

Upon observing my behaviour I had noticed something, which was unique to my circumstances of growing up away from my father in a foreign country. I lived with my mother and siblings in London, while my father was back home in Kuwait. And as I would carefully sculpt the personality I wanted to have, and the manner I carefully selected to go by, I was shocked with the almost automated default setting that I kept following. Basically, each time I would see my father or any other family member in Kuwait I would start to act in the same manner that I did from the last visit. As if I was  carrying on the behaviour or conversation from where we last left of.

It was very weird because I would feel that I was going back a step or few in my development. That I would revert back to someone I chose to abandon. The skin I once shed would again drape me. And I would think, “for the love of God why is this happening?” It took extra effort on my part to control my reflex and go by what I have chosen to represent. The articulate rounded person that was raised by my own bourne. Rather than a childish unorchestrated yodeler with aims unknown.

It was an often involuntary pattern that i would find my self in and was unaware of the reasoning behind it. I was not sure if it was the collection of memories that would trigger such behaviours. Maybe the place, sound or smell would recall certain associated actions. I voiced this to my brothers who felt the same way. However it was necessary to break the pattern as I preferred to behave in the latest version of myself rather than keep skipping back to previous version besides some new features were not compatible with older platforms and it was very clear that I had to take action and it took quite an effort to initiate new topics and always thinking of updating my surrounding relatives. Wouldn’t it be simpler if we were machines :)

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